i didn’t realize how much what they thought and felt meant to me until last night when a small joke went horribly wrong. as i looked inward, i dont think i felt the way that i felt last nite since i made someone else who is very very close to me upset. ::sigh:: too close?

the more i think about it, i’m leaning on a ‘no’. this is part of growing together as friends and loving each other. i think what i told WT is still true. things will get good, but also kinda messy.

the worship team retreat was overall really really good. really good bonding time. really good talks about worship team and how it’s been going and also how we’d like it to be in the future. i’m glad we got together even though not everyone was there. of the three retreats, this one was the most like a retreat because we actually got some rest… despite staying up ridiculously late.

then there was the arcola trip. overall pretty fun. but things were all a mess in my mind… the kids were fun but not as crazy as last year. they played the thumper game again without the allstars from last year. i love watching them play that game. its freakin hilarious. the sermons i remember were very ummm… strange. it was almost like the speakers were trying to out-do one another in sharing embarrassing stories from each of their childhoods. worship w the jg guys was fun. it’s been a long while since we’ve played together. i did lose my voice at this retreat tho. on the last night it was just whatever i had left… which i guess made monday morning set kinda hoarse… but whatevs… “do it for the kids!”

then there was the rwc retreat. i’m glad many people got blessed. the way i got “blessed” was a little mixed. there was the usual frustration w/ rwc communication. rwc communication is pretty awesomely fantastically spectacular! i dont think i’m bitter… i think bitterness feels different… i think i would describe it more as… disappointment…. like i would expect more after doing stuff so many times… geez why is my grace so limited??? almost makes me wish i had a smaller skill set so i won’t be asked to do certain things. well… after retreat people usually ask how it impacted you and i think the only thing i could come up w/ after some brief reflection is that God gave me a taste of what it feels like to be utterly spent. i haven’t been spent to the point of breaking since high school days when i used to try to do everything. the diff this time around i that i didn’t want to do anything extra. after retreat i went straight to a tecbc meeting.

so yeah tiring… march will be good.

i’ve been listening to music to try to stimulate myself. the last songs i’ve enjoyed during the good moments were from the Across the Universe soundtrack… “i want to hold your hand”, “let it be”, “hey jude”, etc. good music i must say, and yes it did bring somewhat a sense of emptiness… perhaps even a longing for what was… but it didn’t do the trick. i realize now as i’m writing this that it may be because the music wasn’t grounded in an experience… other than the movie and some random singings as we walked. grounded in something, yes, but not deeply ingrained into me.

so here i am at work… decided to put on some music… i beatles-ed myself out yesterday so no more of that… scrolling thru my music folders i felt like i was slammed by a truck just by reading a folder name… i didn’t even listen to it yet, but just reading the name brought back a surge of memories i wasn’t expecting… i was reluctant to put it in the playlist for worry of what it will do to me, but how could i resist? it’s good music. i need to feel.

the magical album this time around was Dishwalla’s Opaline. this album is deeply associated with my trip to s. africa. it was the album that i listen to before the trip. i associate it with all the saving up. the anticipation of getting on the plane. going to africa to see one i’ve been waiting so long to see. i associate it with the going of trip. nearly two days in an airplane in total. this was the album that played. these tunes kept on playing even as i slept in my chair in the plane and when i woke up i heard this album. as i read my narnia books on the bed with the green sheets i listened to this. that room. looking out the window to devil’s peak. hanging my mini towel there to dry. looking out on the tree and the brai grill outside. and i listened to this when i got back. it’s associated with the beginnings of my new waiting for the next few months to be over. this album has such a personal hold over me.

and as i started to write this i began to think of all the other albums or songs that remind me of points in my life. i’ll just mention a few to close this off. edwin mccain’s i’ll be reminds me of parting moments from miami. eagle eye cherry’s save tonight reminds me of my first winter living in new york. dmb’s crush from before these crowded streets reminds me of a trip to boston in my HS junior yr… i can go on but i’ll just leave it at that. music is such a gift… even tho it sometimes hurts… even that is a gift.