i’m a robot.

i do nerdy things. i play with computers all day. i code for fun. i develop websites at work. i run linux and open source software on my desktop and laptop. my girlfriend calls me a robot.

likewise i deal w/ the world often in a very linear systematic way. the analogies i make in my head (and sometimes come out) usually are very uhhh… nerdy. i look at my room like a fragmented hard drive… i know where everything is, it just takes a while to get to them. someone else (and sometimes me) organizing my room is like dropping the drive and i though things are “orderly” theyre like lost clusters. if i have a lot of tasks to do, i imagine myself being an OS managing time resources and doing tasks round-robin… or if i’m asked to do a task, i think of all my dependencies as parameters that need to be passed into a function (that is… me) in order for output to come out… blablabla this paragraph is too long. i think you get the point.

unfortunately this robotic way of doing things got transferred to my normal daily life… with real human beings! and humans are messy, inconsistent, unpredictable. very unlike my nice robot friends and functions on a computer. i often expect clean-cut input/output from people. just plain raw facts and actions based on how things actually are and i forget that w/ people it’s rarely that way. this past week i pretty much got hit left and right w/ rebukes and talks about why this robotness is failing.

after many talks and lots of self reflection i finally decided (well more like felt compelled) to get down on my knees and pray: “God humble me and give me a heart”. i think God was waiting to hear that from me because he sure answered fast but i know i’m still a work in progress…

i need a heart.

originally i was gonna end the post right up there but i just realized i sound like the tin man in the wizard of oz. okay thats it!