i’m learning to deal with the fact that i write slow… that sometimes it takes me 30 minutes to write two sentences because i want to get it just right. i’m trying to figure out ways to articulate truth in ways that people understand. This is especially difficult with concepts that have many angles or layers of understanding. i always compare this problem with teaching about matter and motion in physics. for most people they just need an understanding of newton’s laws of motion…. but if you really wanna get into it you need to start bringing in einstein’s relativity. many times i try to explain relativity to people who haven’t grasped newton’s laws yet… but in my head i’m thinking “oh if you can only see a bit more of this picture!”

last week was also the first time i delivered a sermon… i’ve done workshops before and i’m comfortable leading discussions but rhetoric seems a bit different. maybe it’s something i just need to get used to… and learn what responses/reactions during its delivery i can filter out and what i should note. i recorded it so that i could listen to it but i couldn’t get through more than 2 minutes of myself talking. i dunno how NYU RCF got through 27 minutes of it. haha! until next time!

i think in doing ministry i become a student of myself. being put in different situations and exposed to different responsibilities brings out parts of me that i never knew before… or it’s bringing those parts out that don’t get enough practice to develop.

a short note on my actual student studies… it’s interesting. i think i was worried that i would be bored to death and i would continue my awesome ugrad/hs student habits. but if the material continues to be the way it is, maybe i’ll be a good student! it’s also pretty fun being in a class w/ kevin, steve, and mark… actually the more i think about it, it’s not just fun, it’s kinda funny! but in brief, class isn’t too bad! i could like this. maybe i’ll aim for more than just getting the piece of paper at the end.

blah tired stress crazy wah…
i think i went into tecbc this year a little bit… stressed… compared to last year i was just a little more independent in terms of getting papers and whatevers and trying to organize stuff. making the booklets and the shirts wasn’t sweatshopish last minute insanity, i was definitely more rested going to tecbc… but kinda mentally spent trying to get things together. for a good portion of may, tecbc was like a task to get done and less a joy to do. the part of me that was glad that this is my 2nd and last year chairing was very very much on the top surface of my thoughts…

the beauty…
being caught up in college ministry most of the year, i forget what its like being in youth ministry and seeing the plain raw purity of kids i see at tecbc every year. people who look at the world with less jaded eyes than mine. prayer and worship is without the unnecessary flair and is unmistakably genuine. watching the youth enjoy worship even if its not that “good” in a musical and flowing sense was very beautiful and seeing them pray together or have their quiet times around the lake… its nice.

the future…
so im definitely not chairing next year… the search for the next chair is on. but i’m learned a lot about myself doing this stuff the last two years. i learned im the best announcement giver… ever. i learned more about my shortcomings and weaknesses; usually i stick to what i know and do well and try to do them as well as i can. being “forced” to do stuff i dont have natural gifts in made me appreciate those who do have those gifts a lot more. not chairing next year but i should still be involved. looking forward to the facebook and strings of messages and friend requests now…

i’ve interacted with more people lately than i’ve had in a while. i keep joking with close friends that i have this invisible sign (to myself, but visible to EVERYONE ELSE) on my forehead or on my back that says “talk to me”. i don’t really think myself that approachable a person… i might even say i seem stand-offish. terri always says to me “why do you have friends?”. i think i’d be a hard person to get to know.

so in all these meet ups i’ve been catching myself speaking into people’s lives. i tell them things about their lives and their personalities and my suspicions on what their motives are for what they do. it’s very comfortable to me… it just comes outta me… its natural… but at the same time its kinda scary. is this God’s way of preping me for stuff? his way of giving me more opportunities to grow… and to fail?

this has also bloomed into some time of self reflection and self analyzing. i want to know myself. i want to know my strengths and weaknesses.

looking back just two weeks after i started to realize all this i think i see this is God trying to convince me into the ministry. theres still a part of me that doesn’t want it… and honestly i think that part will always be there. but i think i know my course. i know what God has and is prepping me for. and… ::sigh:: if that means leaving a comfortable job and good income to… ::sigh:: lead a financially more difficult life, then… ::sigh::…….. ::sigh::….. Your will be done.