a folder/binder from my high school days that contained a lot of transparencies that i used to use during worship—yes remember those? an overhead projector that shot a bright light through these transparent sheets of plastic to put lyrics on the wall? where the person manning the projector would need to perfect the art of moving the sheet in the opposite direction so that it would move in the desired direction on the wall? yes i had a folder full of these sheets that i acquired through many worship sessions. i decided to open it up and i found the following sheet of paper inside:

it was probably one of the last worship sessions i led in my high school days when i still used to use this folder (i’m sure it was from my HS days bc of what was on the back of this sheet). while my just-for-myself-handwriting is still pretty bad for other people i notice that i haven’t switched over to writing my lowercase ‘d’ in the lazy manner that i often write it now (looks like the “d” you’d write when doing a partial derivative in calculus).

anyway, it’s such an interesting find because it’s a look into my 17/18 year old worship leading self. i know from looking sheet that it is a planning/brainstorming sheet for a prayer & worship meeting because it follows an ACTS (adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication) rubric that i used to employ often. it looks like i started over a few times or added a bunch of subheadings. i know i’ve modified this rubic since, simplifying it to just BIG God, little us, the cross, and our response (yeah i don’t have a cool acronym for this one).

what’s also interesting is that i still sing these same songs… like… all the time. i still plan worship sets on scrap pieces of paper. i still draw arrows connecting song themes. i still group songs into categories and then cross songs off as i need to restrict myself to a time limit.

i wonder what it would be like to meet myself from a decade years ago (wow, it’s been a decade since HS for me). i wonder what i would say to my younger self. what bits of wisdom i would try to impart… but as i look at this sheet, i’m also wondering what kinds of things my high school self would tell me of the present day. what kinds of drives and passions have i forgotten or left behind. how would my younger self challenge me to live today?

anyway it was an interesting find… kinda like an unintentional time capsule. just wanted to share it.

i noticed this way back in march when i bought Page CXVI just to check out some redone “hymns”. there’s this song on it called “joy”. i recognized the song from Psalty that i listened to in car rides as a kid or in sunday school. (if you don’t know who Psalty is, thats fine… now that i look at him he’s kinda scary. christians are crazy sometimes). the original song as i knew it can be found in this youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9wc8IFparU

the remake in the Page CXVI album sounds pretty depressing. i sent it to my brother and a few friends familiar w/ the original song to see what they thought and everyone was like “this is so depressing. i almost wanna kill myself listening to this”. you could listen for yourself below (sorry i couldnt find a better youtube recording):

on the new matt redman album “we shall not be shaken” there’s a song called “my hope” which is based on the hymn “on christ the solid rock”. the original hymn is a pretty victorious sounding song (if you don’t know the song you can find countless recordings/versions of it on youtube). redman’s remake is embedded below:

i’m posting about these songs because i think i’m beginning to understand the point these guys are trying to make in singing these songs in the manner that they do. while these songs can often be applied in a celebratory way, singing about the joy and hope we have in christ, i think the truths these words convey need to be heard even more when we’re in the valleys of life… when we don’t feel like celebrating or being “happy”… when the normal melodies of these songs would frustrate us or even make us angry that such a happy sounding song could exist when the world seems perpetually grey and gloomy in our eyes. it makes the truths we need to be reminded of more… receivable.

last night was the first tuesday in a while that i dropped by RWC’s tuesday late night prayer meetings. i didn’t stay too long but in the short time i was there i retreated to a room on my own w/ a guitar because i found the bigger room with everyone else a bit too distracting… and the music was weird… (jeremy’s fault… but not his fault it was on shuffle). it’s been a while since i went to a room on my own and pulled out a guitar and just worshipped… and about half-way through i wished i could’ve shared that time with others.

[Eustace speaking to Jill...] “I can’t help wondering, can we – could we -?”

“Do you mean, do something to make it happen?”

Eustace nodded.

“You mean we might draw a circle on the ground – and write in queer letters in it – and stand inside it – and recite charms and spells?”

“Well,” said Eustace after he had thought hard for a bit. “I believe that was the sort of thing I was thinking of, though I never did it. But now that it comes to the point, I’ve an idea that all those circles and things are rather rot. I don’t think he’d like them. It would look as if we thought we could make him do things. But really, we can only ask him.”

At a particular youth retreat (though this could have happened at almost any of the retreats) I served at in the past year, there was feedback from a particular youth concerning the way one of the evenings was conducted. he said something like “they did the whole dim-lighting-soothing-music-emotional-manipulation thing… i didn’t like that at all”. on that particular evening, i sat in with one of the guys small groups having discussions and a lot of them expressed similar disdain for the practice: “it was weird”, “why did they have to do that?”, “i just didn’t like it.”

I often share only half-jokingly that worship leaders are masters at emotional manipulation. Worship leaders know what songs can get people excited, what songs can stir emotions of guilt, what songs can “create” devotion. We can ask people to hold hands, to change their posture, to respond with well-known call and responses (i.e. God is good? all the time…), etc. Yes, I do understand that true transformation can only be done by God, but often times, the imitation looks very very similar–similar enough that I think people settle for it.

I know I have.

Yes, I’ve done it before. I’ve grown from it I think but honestly the temptation to “create” worship is always there. This isn’t post isn’t “confessions of a worship leader” so I’ll stop myself on that here. I just want to say that being one who’s been on the giving side before, it makes me extra alert when I’m on the receiving side of worship. When things get intense, sometimes it’s clearly a God thing (I don’t know how to explain it, but if you’ve been there, you just know), but other times it’s not so clear and I stop and ask myself “What’s really going on here?”

I’m worried this post will be read as just another one of those anti-emotion rants as I’m trying to craft this post but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I understand that music is an aid to worship; it has it’s purpose. Nor am I attempting to define when music is “too much”. I don’t like being fooled or tricked. I doubt anyone does. But I think many times in churches and retreats and whatevers, we trick ourselves.

I doubt there are many worship leaders or pastors out there who create the atmosphere with bad intentions. I also doubt few people who read this would say anything like “I want the imitation, don’t give me the real thing.” But I think both ministers (including worship leaders) and people in the congregation often do our own version of “draw a circle on the ground – and write in queer letters in it – and stand inside it – and recite charms and spells”. There are unwritten formulas we go through to make us feel close to God or make it look like God is “moving in our midst”. God does work even in our messed up formulas but I’d just challenge people to just stop and ask “What’s really going on here?”, “Why am I doing this?”, and “Who am I really doing this for?”

the end.

the worship team retreat was overall really really good. really good bonding time. really good talks about worship team and how it’s been going and also how we’d like it to be in the future. i’m glad we got together even though not everyone was there. of the three retreats, this one was the most like a retreat because we actually got some rest… despite staying up ridiculously late.

then there was the arcola trip. overall pretty fun. but things were all a mess in my mind… the kids were fun but not as crazy as last year. they played the thumper game again without the allstars from last year. i love watching them play that game. its freakin hilarious. the sermons i remember were very ummm… strange. it was almost like the speakers were trying to out-do one another in sharing embarrassing stories from each of their childhoods. worship w the jg guys was fun. it’s been a long while since we’ve played together. i did lose my voice at this retreat tho. on the last night it was just whatever i had left… which i guess made monday morning set kinda hoarse… but whatevs… “do it for the kids!”

then there was the rwc retreat. i’m glad many people got blessed. the way i got “blessed” was a little mixed. there was the usual frustration w/ rwc communication. rwc communication is pretty awesomely fantastically spectacular! i dont think i’m bitter… i think bitterness feels different… i think i would describe it more as… disappointment…. like i would expect more after doing stuff so many times… geez why is my grace so limited??? almost makes me wish i had a smaller skill set so i won’t be asked to do certain things. well… after retreat people usually ask how it impacted you and i think the only thing i could come up w/ after some brief reflection is that God gave me a taste of what it feels like to be utterly spent. i haven’t been spent to the point of breaking since high school days when i used to try to do everything. the diff this time around i that i didn’t want to do anything extra. after retreat i went straight to a tecbc meeting.

so yeah tiring… march will be good.

such a rollercoaster the last 2 days. pretty nice… to super duper great… to super duper low. and then just a steady climb back to reality. and then again pretty nice. and now here i am.

i got to meet w/ j bolan and talk to them about worship and leading. it was nice i think but i felt like john was nervous. but why be nervous? it’s me! but as i’ve written in some of my other writings, that it’s only after i talk about something to someone that all the knowledge in my head becomes solidified. it’s like my head just has a lot of goo that solidifies into blocks when i say em out loud.

yesterday i also got a chance to meet up w/ dorcas. i don’t see her often but it’s always a good meet up. catching up on life and stuff. zen sushi’s always great. and got some venieros (spelled right? too lazy to check) afterwards. i like meeting up with people just to chat. pretty great.