“How have you been doing?”
–“That’s a difficult question to answer”
–“I’ve been as good as I can be with all that’s happened.”
–“I don’t know how to answer that question right now.”
For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to tune into my soul and how I’ve been working through the loss of my church — “leaving my church.” “no longer being with my church.” — I’m still not exactly sure how to describe the loss in a phrase (something I could give in passing conversation) because I can’t capture the pain of how everything came about; and I’m still dealing with that pain. Steph suggested “no longer at King’s Cross due to circumstances outside my control.” I could run with that. But the hurt still lingers.
Part of not being in a hurry in this season is to not rush into anything. To experience fully all that comes with this grief and to be attentive to what the Spirit is showing me through this experience. But I can’t control the pace of life and sometimes hurry comes at me and I can’t control it.
I entered into the long Thanksgiving weekend knowing that it would be tough. Skipping Thanksgiving was out of the question so I tried to ready myself as much as I could knowing that members from my former church would be there. But I wasn’t ready. Seeing people who I love and, at the same time, seeing people who have not allowed me to stay and continue to love them, I didn’t know how to be. I was sad, angry, engaged, and detached all at the same time. Trying to engage meant that I would need to be constantly mindful that I not sow discord. I could not be at rest. But… if I’m honest, a part of me did want to sow discord. Church members still didn’t know how all this came to be and I wanted them to know. I wanted my story to be heard but at the same time knew this wasn’t the right place to share that story. I felt stuck and I just… retreated. I didn’t want to engage. I was stuck in myself. I was just counting time, hoping this would all end soon.
Reflecting on all this a week after the fact I recognize that there was no way I could have made it through the weekend alone. I was stuck and could not unstuck myself. If it were not for the partnership and gentle yet firm nudges from Steph I would have sunk… again. While I’m trying my best to curb the hurry in my own heart, it’s another thing for me to curb the hurry that comes outside myself — for that I know I need help that also comes from outside myself.
While it wasn’t an easy weekend — and I’m glad it’s over — I am left reflecting with gratitude that God has surrounded me with people to lift me out of my ruts. I just need to release and let them in.