There are certainly conflicts in the world seeking resolution that overlap with Advent longing. Palestine/Israel. Hamas. Hostages. Genocide. Ceasing ceasefires. It’s tragic. I suspect that, like the ongoing conflict in Ukraine, it’s duration will test and stretch my capacity to hope. Yet while I don’t think I can properly speak to the complexity of the conflict in the world, I can speak to the one in me. This year Advent hits a bit different.
I find myself wanting to hope, but the resolution to my own unsettledness is still out of sight. I don’t like floating around. And the limited hope I have is that somehow God knows what he is doing with me. I just wished I had a hint of what that will be. I don’t like the suspense. I want to be grounded. Control may be an illusion, but I admit it’s a welcome one.
Part of my unease stems from a sense of injustice about my story/departure from my former church. It’s hard to be with people who I love but are unaware of the injustice that keeps us apart. I want to set my own course; to manifest my sense of justice. I want to justify myself… but can I really? If I’m honest, I have to admit, “Look where all my striving got me!” and then ask, “Is what I long for best realize in my hands?” I’m still working to give it up.
In a recent gathering with some neighbors, we happened upon a few psalms that spoke to me. The first is Psalm 25; it says:
1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, in you I trust;
do not let me be put to shame;
do not let my enemies exult over me.
9 He leads the humble in what is right
and teaches the humble his way.
And in Psalm 37:
1 Do not fret because of the wicked;
do not be envious of wrongdoers,
2 for they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
live in the land and enjoy security.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will make your vindication shine like the light
and the justice of your cause like the noonday.
7 Be still before the LORD, and wait patiently for him;
do not fret over those who prosper in their way,
over those who carry out evil devices.
This year Hope for me looks like exercising Trust: continuing to live faithfully trusting that he will ultimately make things right. How can I surrender my own means of justice and lean on his? Hope and longing. Trusting in the one who will fulfill every desire.