I’m not exactly sure how or why but I recently started reconnecting with Jennifer Knapp, a music artist that I enjoyed listening to in my younger days. Maybe its because I found her expressions of faith and longing very relatable or because she has a way of describing the beautiful complexity of life that appeals to me. The opening words of her words from her debut album echoed in the background of last year and came out as prayers I prayed before the church.
All the chisels I’ve dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand ‘neath the waves
I’ve recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them wash away
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I see
Reaching out my weary hand, I pray that You’d understand
You’re the One Who’s faithful to me
— from “Faithful to Me” by Jennifer Knapp
I’m supporting her kickstarter campaign to re-record her debut album Kansas and she’s been hosting these daily lunch-break sessions where she talks about some of the songs, how they’ve aged (both the songs and her own life), and her general reflections on music, life, and spirituality. In today’s lunch-break cast she said something about her songs that I really hope to echo some day in my own life. It’s a little difficult to convey the context of the conversation and the meaning in a short quotation, but I’ll try to explain after. She said,
It’s nice to be not totally embarrassed about your youth… It just occurred to me that if one song could mean something for you in your experience, and it means something [different] for me, and then for 20 other people [means something else]… we all share that one song.
[If] it means something a little bit different in the context of our own lives, why would I get hung up that that song couldn’t do the same thing for me?… If the song’s been versatile enough and a partner for other people to do other things, why couldn’t it be a partner for me in another time and in another situation in life. Why do I need to anchor it down?
Jennifer Knapp
My own transcription from her conversation with a guest, Steve Hindalong, on her Facebook live cast on February 9, 2024 roughly around 29:30 to 31:00.
Jennifer Knapp and Steve Hindalong were reflecting on how they would not write the same kinds of songs as they wrote them back in their youth. (In context, they she has spoken about theological and cultural-sensitivity among other considerations.) Yet while she may not have written the same lyrics today, in humility she recognized that they have brought life to others in ways she herself may not have experienced… yet… or possibly ever… but they brought life nonetheless.
When I reflect on my own spiritual “coming of age” moment, I hope I can be as gracious to myself and the ways that I may have believed or shared perspectives that I may not hold as wholeheartedly. That even in my own story, I received teachings that supported me for a time (though I presently no longer hold to be true) that got me to the next day, or week, or milestone. These are the mundane ways that I’ve been nourished and sustained in my journey of growth and maturity. Perhaps some day, these teachings or beliefs will reemerge in my life anew. Others will likely stay buried. All the same I need to be as gracious with my past self as I am with who I am becoming.