April 15, 2008, 11:03 am
i had a rough night last night. it started out well. i got a lot of work done… but it ended so badly. i get really upset when people that matter to me are upset at me. it’s kinda like what ive been telling WT, “we’re getting closer, and things are gonna get good… but also gonna get messy.” i’ve been getting closer w/ my little friends from columbia. i love them to death. i keep saying (and i think it’s true) that they could get me to do almost anything… all they have to do is ask.
i didn’t realize how much what they thought and felt meant to me until last night when a small joke went horribly wrong. as i looked inward, i dont think i felt the way that i felt last nite since i made someone else who is very very close to me upset. ::sigh:: too close?
the more i think about it, i’m leaning on a ‘no’. this is part of growing together as friends and loving each other. i think what i told WT is still true. things will get good, but also kinda messy.
April 1, 2008, 7:44 pm
its spring time. love is in the air. drama is all over. it’s a little ummm…. overwhelming. i think i’ve had more talks with people lately about people issues and about relationships and drama than i’ve had in years.
i’ve interacted with more people lately than i’ve had in a while. i keep joking with close friends that i have this invisible sign (to myself, but visible to EVERYONE ELSE) on my forehead or on my back that says “talk to me”. i don’t really think myself that approachable a person… i might even say i seem stand-offish. terri always says to me “why do you have friends?”. i think i’d be a hard person to get to know.
so in all these meet ups i’ve been catching myself speaking into people’s lives. i tell them things about their lives and their personalities and my suspicions on what their motives are for what they do. it’s very comfortable to me… it just comes outta me… its natural… but at the same time its kinda scary. is this God’s way of preping me for stuff? his way of giving me more opportunities to grow… and to fail?
this has also bloomed into some time of self reflection and self analyzing. i want to know myself. i want to know my strengths and weaknesses.
looking back just two weeks after i started to realize all this i think i see this is God trying to convince me into the ministry. theres still a part of me that doesn’t want it… and honestly i think that part will always be there. but i think i know my course. i know what God has and is prepping me for. and… ::sigh:: if that means leaving a comfortable job and good income to… ::sigh:: lead a financially more difficult life, then… ::sigh::…….. ::sigh::….. Your will be done.
