winter "break" update and reflections

Posted: January 9, 2009

it's been a while since i've had a chance to sit down and write. holiday season often gets a little crazy and hectic and there are too many things with too many people and so little time.

this past christmas was a blur. my parents were away on christmas day so we celebrated christmas early. soon after i went to serve at a youth retreat that a bunch of CMA (christian missionary alliance) churches put together and got back just in time to ring in the new year. in between there was a major church leadership disagreement (well i think it was a minor issue but it caused me to think about major things). my grandmother was admitted to the hospital and is currently just "alive" due to a life-support machine. a bunch of computer fixing for people and probably a handful of things i just can't call to mind as i'm writing this now.

i often say to myself  "i want to make a post about ______________" but i rarely get to it because i wanna get all my thoughts together and put together a good solid post. thus i go talking to certain people about it hoping i'd get some input to make a very thorough and thought-out post. in the end i convince myself against writing the post or it's been so long since i had the initial idea that i lose the drive to go write it. i think the latter is often the case. i think i might just start writing less completely thought out things hoping to explore ideas with the handful you that read this blog.

i think my delay in writing and "need" to get everything perfect is closely related to my issue w/ always wanting to be right or to have everything thoroughly thought out before i step into the spotlight and let people critique me and my thoughts. i know being "wrong" sucks to everyone but i think i take a bigger issue with it than most (i think)--it hits my core.

another instance today that made me think about this happened this morning when i was asked by a friend to possibly speak at her church's college and career group. the last time some one asked me to speak i immediately turned them down because i was thinking "you don't want me to speak. you don't know what you're asking. i won't be a blessing. i will bring confusion and madness." but when my friend asked me this morning i gave it more thought because my future ministry has been on my mind and i thought "maybe this will be a good experience. good practice! haha! they shall be guinea pigs!" and then my thoughts led me to think about how unprepared i was. how many mistakes i might make. and i got a bit anxious about it all.

how do i give that up? i don't know. concerning speaking in front of people, a friend said that when he gets nervous he focuses on ministering--delivering the message of what people need to hear or else they miss out on life. then eyes are off the self and and off performance. i think that kinda applies to post writing too.

there's a lot of unfinished-and-not-completely-thought-out posts in the queue in my head right now. maybe i'll let them out soon.

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