winter “break” update and reflections

it’s been a while since i’ve had a chance to sit down and write. holiday season often gets a little crazy and hectic and there are too many things with too many people and so little time.

this past christmas was a blur. my parents were away on christmas day so we celebrated christmas early. soon after i went to serve at a youth retreat that a bunch of CMA (christian missionary alliance) churches put together and got back just in time to ring in the new year. in between there was a major church leadership disagreement (well i think it was a minor issue but it caused me to think about major things). my grandmother was admitted to the hospital and is currently just “alive” due to a life-support machine. a bunch of computer fixing for people and probably a handful of things i just can’t call to mind as i’m writing this now.

i often say to myself  “i want to make a post about ______________” but i rarely get to it because i wanna get all my thoughts together and put together a good solid post. thus i go talking to certain people about it hoping i’d get some input to make a very thorough and thought-out post. in the end i convince myself against writing the post or it’s been so long since i had the initial idea that i lose the drive to go write it. i think the latter is often the case. i think i might just start writing less completely thought out things hoping to explore ideas with the handful you that read this blog.

i think my delay in writing and “need” to get everything perfect is closely related to my issue w/ always wanting to be right or to have everything thoroughly thought out before i step into the spotlight and let people critique me and my thoughts. i know being “wrong” sucks to everyone but i think i take a bigger issue with it than most (i think)–it hits my core.

another instance today that made me think about this happened this morning when i was asked by a friend to possibly speak at her church’s college and career group. the last time some one asked me to speak i immediately turned them down because i was thinking “you don’t want me to speak. you don’t know what you’re asking. i won’t be a blessing. i will bring confusion and madness.” but when my friend asked me this morning i gave it more thought because my future ministry has been on my mind and i thought “maybe this will be a good experience. good practice! haha! they shall be guinea pigs!” and then my thoughts led me to think about how unprepared i was. how many mistakes i might make. and i got a bit anxious about it all.

how do i give that up? i don’t know. concerning speaking in front of people, a friend said that when he gets nervous he focuses on ministering–delivering the message of what people need to hear or else they miss out on life. then eyes are off the self and and off performance. i think that kinda applies to post writing too.

there’s a lot of unfinished-and-not-completely-thought-out posts in the queue in my head right now. maybe i’ll let them out soon.